


what i wanna do

by e_is_better_than_a



Series: into you [2]
Category: Bohemian Rhapsody (Movie 2018) Actor RPF
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-07
Updated: 2019-04-21
Packaged: 2020-01-05 23:52:13
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 13,139
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18376646
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/e_is_better_than_a/pseuds/e_is_better_than_a
Summary: The press tour is over and all Joe can think about is Ben. Every interview and place they go, Ben’s absence comes up. He tries to take it in stride and talk about him like a normal friend would, but he is still so fucking in love with him. They talk everyday, about anything except what happened. But award season is coming and there is no possible way to avoid Ben.





	1. when we're in the same vicinity, i dodge you

**Author's Note:**

> shes a long one.

The Golden Globes were first. Ben and Joe hadn’t really talked face to face so Joe was worried to say the least. They had to spend the _whole_ night and _all_ of the after party near each other. Joe couldn’t decide if he was happy or not. It was awful. But it was Ben and his fault. They were the ones who decided to pretend that the whole thing didn’t happen; Rami and Gwil just followed their lead.

 

So hearing that Ben, Gwil, and him would be seated next to each other shouldn’t have knocked the air out of him. No one knew other than the few close cast members, and not a single soul acknowledged that it had even existed. It made Joe want to be sick, sitting near him. Only because he knew what would happen. Joe would make it incredibly obvious that the feelings that were there all those months before, were still just as strong, if not stronger. Distance makes the heart grow fonder, is what they say.

 

The flight to California wasn’t bad. Just long. _More time to think about how horribly awkward these next 48 hours will be._ Joe’s plan was to go to the ceremony, the after party, hang out the day after, then leave. He would see Rami again once back in New York (something about looking into some other jobs), and Gwil had already made plans to see him in the next week. Basically, his plan was to run away before he could spill his feelings again.

 

Once he landed, Rami was waiting with a smile. Joe couldn’t help but smile back. It was his big day. The start of something absolutely amazing for him. All the New Yorker had brought with him was a duffle bag with three causal outfits (his suit would meet him at the hotel; it made him feel special), and after they found each other, they climbed into Rami’s 2012 Honda Civic.

 

“Why don’t you get a new car? This one is ancient.” Joe complained, throwing his luggage into the back seat. His friend huffed.

 

“Well, I don’t drive often, so no need,” Rami stated, giving a pointed look at Joe while he started the car. “And also, it’s my car.” The only response was a hum of disagreeance.

 

The rest of the ride to the hotel was filled with music and laughter. They sang obnoxiously loud and danced as much as possible without crashing the car, which was quite a lot. When they were 20 minutes away, stuck in awful L.A. traffic, Rami turned the music down and looked at Joe. Joe met his gaze. _Yay, a serious conversation._

 

He was hoping that this particular conversation wouldn’t happen, but as soon as Rami began, Joe’s last hopes were dashed.

 

“You should stay longer than just today and tomorrow. We haven’t seen you in forever.”

 

“Ram, you know why I can’t stay.” Was all Joe responded with.

 

“All I know is that you’re acting like a child.”

 

The ginger was well aware that he was being immature. But every time the voice in his head told him that, he shut it down with a, ‘but for good reason’. The only problem was, it wasn’t a good reason. It was a horrible, selfish reason.

 

“Look,” Rami said with a steady voice, slowly inching the car forward, eyes now on the road, “I know. I get it,” _It kinda feels like you don’t, but continue._ “But if this is what the rest of awards season is going to be like, you’re going to make everyone, Gwil, me, Lucy, Allen, Ben, _everyone_ feel… upset. We want to spend time with you. A lot of time with you. We miss you.”

 

“I miss you guys too.”

 

“So stay longer next time.” It wasn’t a suggestion, it was an order. Joe nodded. What else was he going to do? Say no?

 

“Ok.”

 

Rami sped up as the light turned from red to green and the traffic lightened. Joe turned the music up a little and rolled the window down a bit. It was still early, the morning cold just starting to disappear a melt into a low 60. The air filled the car as the drove to the hotel, drowning any further serious talk.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Getting ready for the event was a slow go. A car was coming to pick Joe up at 4:00 and he would meet the others there, before they walked into the award show. It was currently 12:30 and Joe was bored out of his mind. He wasn’t tired or jet lagged, none of those pre-award show jitters he used to get as a kid. So instead of calling his friends or doing something fun, Joe switched on the TV and sat on the soft queen bed with his laptop open. He had been trying to work out a new script but there was just this one exchange that wasn’t _clicking._ But he couldn’t cut it, it was too important. It was infuriating. So until about 3:40, Joe sat, annoyed and half watching a random show that had a shit plot.

 

Only when Gwil shot him a text, a quick, “you ready?” did Joe feel inclined to get dressed. Of course he didn’t want to be late, but he didn’t want to face Ben yet. He didn’t feel ready. Honestly, Joe didn’t think he would ever be ready though. How was he going to pretend that everything that happened didn’t? How was he going to pretend that every night he didn’t replay every conversation, relive every touch? How was he going to pretend that he doesn’t still feel very the same about him? Because no matter what way you look at it, he does. And in the bit of Joe that let’s him indulge in his memories, part of that bit let’s Joe believe that Ben might still share the feeling. But that part only shows itself when he’s drunk off his ass and lonely.

 

With one final look in the mirror and a call from the car service, he left the hotel, not quite ready for the night ahead of him.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

As soon as he stepped out of the car, Joe saw Gwilym getting out a few cars ahead. He wandered over to the man, watching his face light up as they made eye contact. A smile spread over Joe’s face as he was pulled into a hug by the taller man. It was the most comforting thing. Gwil was always the best hugger.

 

“I missed you, bud!” Gwilym said as they parted and made their way towards the doors. They weren’t walking the carpet tonight, only Rami and Lucy, so they went around the cameras to the normal entrance. Joe chuckled. _Apparently the whole fucking world thought they would never see me again._

 

“Gwil, we talk everyday. Hell, we facetimed twice in the last 72 hours.” The british man knew that no matter how Joe was acting or what he was saying, he really did miss the other man. Perks of being best friends.

 

“And yet you still came,” Gwil teased, bumping shoulders making Joe smile even wider. The pair walked in, stopping to chat with some actors and actresses as they passed. The casual conversation distracted Joe for a while before a sudden wave of panic washed over him. _Ben was going to be here any second, oh god._

 

As Joe and Gwilym’s last conversation left, Gwil studied Joe. “Joe? You all right?”

 

Joe’s eyes snapped to meet the others worried pair, fumbling over a reply. “Uhh, yeah, great, just nervous.” Not technically a lie but Joe hoped that the tall man would think that he’s nervous about winning.

 

But Gwilym is smarter than that. “You know,” he started slowly. _Yay, more serious conversation!_ “If you just talk to him for real again, you guys could work something out.” And of course he’s right but there’s no time for him to rub it in because a familiar blond head catches Joe’s eye and makes his heart stop.

 

“I’m going to see if I can find some other people that we missed. Meet you at the table,” Joe blurts, all but running away from his friend. _Smooth. Real smooth._ There was a half hour until the awards started and that meant about 25 minutes until he _had_ to be sitting in his seat and playing nice. So he would talk to people for 24 minutes to avoid any premature stupid. It was going to be a _very_ long night

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Joe somehow found himself conversing with people he had never met before in order to avoid Ben. It was awful and immature and selfish and he could feel Gwilym’s disapproval from the other side of the room. But eventually, the lights flickered gently and a voice echoed telling people to shut up and sit. So as slowly as possible, Joe made his way over to his friends and slapped a small grin on his face.

 

Joe took a deep breath, staring at the empty spot between his castmates and walked to them.

 

Ben was the first to notice. The biggest smile and softest eyes Joe had ever seen were being pointed at him and he was sure he was doing the same. Ben stood and tugged Joe into a tight embrace, smile still gracing his features. _While Gwil gave pretty damn good hugs, Ben gave the best,_ Joe decided as he wrapped his arms around the blond. When they parted, Joe couldn’t help but be a little disappointed.

 

“Well that took you quite a bit, Joe. Did you meet every single person here? Their parents maybe after you bought them a car?” Gwilym interrupted, looking at Joe expectantly from where he was seated. All the ginger did was roll is eyes and sit down. Ben chuckled, sat down too, scooting his chair just the _tiniest_ bit closer to Joe. Before anyone else could say something, the lights dimmed a little and the show started. For a second Joe thought that _maybe_ he could get through this and still be ok; maybe even help him accept that Ben and him were just friends. But there was still a whole night left.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

When the night was over, it felt like the Bohemian Rhapsody cast was on cloud nine. Best Drama Film? Best Actor? They deserved their after party! Joe originally only planned on staying for a little, two hours max, but he was having fun. ‘Was’ because he saw Ben talking and laughing with a _very_ pretty girl and that sobered him up in about 2 minutes.They were leaning in, touching arms. But they were _broken up,_ Joe was the one to do it for fucks sake, so seeing Ben flirting shouldn’t have surprised him. But it did. And it hurt. A lot. So Joe made another round of congratulations before leaving. Some shit excuse that varied from person to person, all of which more than possible, was dealt when asked why he was leaving or told that “the party is only getting started!”. Just as Joe was about to walk out the front doors, a whopping 30 minutes after deciding to leave, a hand on his arm stopped him.

 

He turned around, forcing himself to smile and look happy, only yo be met with a slightly out of breath Ben Hardy.

 

“Where are you going?” Simple question with about 20 possible answers.

 

“Hotel. Jet lag, alcohol.” It was half assed but it was words.

 

“Oh. Um, I’ll see you tomorrow at Rami’s though right? You’re going?” _Why did he look nervous?_

 

“Of course I’m going,” Joe responded. _Why wouldn’t he go?_

 

Ben relaxed. “I didn’t know when your plane was and didn’t want you to leave before I go the chance to say goodbye.” _Oh._

 

“Yeah. Plane leaves at 8 pm tomorrow,” Joe explained. “And I would have found you if I were leaving for New York. What kind of friend would I be if I didn’t?”

 

“Well, you avoided me for the first half hour of me being at the Globes, so not sure how much worse of a friend you could be.”

 

That hurt. More than anything that has ever been said, online or to his face. From the looks of it, Ben felt a little bad. But he deserved it. He had to be put in his place.

 

“Bye Ben.” His voice was scratchy and strained. Even if he deserved it, it still made him want to cry. Once again in a hurry to leave, Joe pushed open the door and walked as fast as he could onto the sidewalk. A car was waiting for him and he got in. The car started to move and Joe just looked out the window.

 

It wasn’t until he was in his bed, lights out, curtains drawn, that he started to cry. He had missed him so much and fucked it. Made a mess of it. The wins from the night felt miniscule in comparison to the feeling of disappointment that was causing the tears.

 

When he finally fell asleep, he was lying on top of the covers in a t-shirt, curled into a ball.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

His phone was ringing. Which was wrong because even through his groggy state, he could remember putting his phone on Do Not Disturb. The other thing that was wrong was the fact that it was a facetime. From Ben. So he picked it up, but didn’t show his face, just incase he looked like a dead rat.

 

“Joe where in the fuck are you. It is 12 o’clock and we are waiting for you.”

 

“I just fucking woke up so if you could be just a slight bit kinder, Gwil, that would be much appreciated.”

 

“Joe, when did you go to bed?”

 

“I don’t know Rami, I left at like 10:30 then stayed up for a little.”

 

“Mate that’s 13 hours.”

 

“Thank you Ben.” The day hadn’t even started yet but Joe was already over it. “Give me about 10 minutes-”

 

“We’re outside your door so no need.” Gwilym stated.

 

“You’re fucking kidding right? Please tell me this is a joke.”

 

“Nope, now let us in.”

 

 _Alright. I’ll be petty then._ Joe stood from his bed, looking at the slightly messed up bed sheets before finding the door key on the ground next to it.

 

“We are waiting.” Rami complained. Joe rolled his eyes and picked up the key and walked to the door. Before getting there, he looked in the mirror. His eyes were red and puffy, hair a mess and looked, over all, like shit. Carefully, he slid the key under the door and walked back to the bed, ending the call.

 

The door burst open and his three best friends marched in. They were wearing sweats and sneakers. However, Gwilym took of his left shoe before chucking it at Joe’s form. It missed but it made Joe want to cry. Things were not going well.

 

The shoe trick made the other two smile as they took off their own, but they did not throw theirs _thank god_. Seeing Ben made his heart twist. Joe wanted to be alone. The mess he made was big enough.

 

“Joe, you all right? You look awful.” Ben asked. He plopped down on the edge of the other bed, facing Joe while Rami and Gwil sat against the headboard.

 

Joe shot him a sarcastic smile. “Thanks. I feel awful. Like I just got woken up from a 13 hour pass out.”

 

Gwilym raised his eyebrows. “Pass out?”

 

Joe shrugged and wondered to his suitcase, picking up a pair of grey joggers and slipping them on. “Yeah. I wasn’t feeling the best.” Out of the corner of his eye, he could see Ben bite his lip and look down.

 

When they were together, Joe had cried. Family issues and complications got to be too much sometimes. He would go to bed early and wake up late, the emotions draining him. But Ben would always be there to comfort him. It had never crossed Joe’s mind that Ben could have made him cry like that.

 

“Joe.” Rami prompted. Joe just met his gaze. It was too early. “What happened.”

 

“I cried,” Joe admitted. He couldn’t lie. And truthfully, he didn’t want to.

 

In seconds, the other three were on him, smothering him in a hug. It felt nice, safe. So Joe let his eyes close and drew his arms into his chest. A light tug and a few steps later, they were collapsed on the bed that Joe slept on the night before. But he wasn’t alone this time.

 

“Why?” Came a quiet voice. It was Ben’s.

 

“I forgot how much I missed you guys, felt like an asshole,” Joe muttered. The pairs of arms around him grew tighter. This whole ordeal was just making him feel worse. But eventually the conversation turned to random things, but the message was clear, _‘we will talk about this later.’_ For the meantime though, Joe let his eyes droop and shut. He felt loved. He missed this. At some point, he fell asleep to the drone of the conversation, feeling warmer than he ever had.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

When he woke, it was about 4. He was cuddled into Ben, the only other person in the room. _I want to stay here forever._ But instead, he moved. _Dumb._ He stretched and sat up, yawning.

 

“Did you cry because of what I said.” _Straight to the point._

 

“That was the tipping point, yeah.”

 

“I’m sorry.” Joe snorted. Why in the hell was he apologizing? Joe was the one who fucked it up.

 

“Don’t be. It’s my fault. I was selfish and I was the one who avoided you. It was rude and mean. I’m the one who should be saying sorry.” Ben watched at Joe got up and started moving around, still propped up on the bed. “I was the one who ruined these two days.” he finished, pulling out jeans and a shirt that would make him look presentable.

 

“Joe, you didn’t ruin shit. We won last night. I missed talking to you and… it was nice. Seeing you again,” Ben looked at his hands.

 

“Who were you talking to last night? You seemed to be having a good time with her.” Joe said changing the topic.

 

Ben huffed before answering, allowing the abrupt topic change to slip. “Lauren. I forget why she was there but she introduced herself to me about an hour in.” Joe nodded, smiling. He sat down on the edge of the other bed before talking again.

 

“She seemed interested.” It was more of a statement than anything else, and Joe knows he shouldn’t tug on this string but he can’t help himself.

 

“Probably,” Ben shrugged. He stood and walked to his shoes. “She’s not my type though. But I’ll leave you alone. You have to go soon.” Joe just nodded again. He stood as Ben slipped his shoes on and waited.

 

“I meant it last night,” Joe whispered, looking at the floor. “I would never leave and not say goodbye.” It was a firm statement; no room for misunderstanding, an attempt to clear the air.

 

“I know.” Ben replied, looking at Joe. Suddenly, Joe pulled Ben into the tightest hug he’d ever given. Immediately, Ben wrapped his arms around him and squeezed. It was an apology. Joe squeezed back, apologizing back. It was like something in the air changed in that moment. Like everything was back to the way it was at the award show. No nervousness or facade; just two best friends hugging the other as tight as possible.

 

When they parted, Joe said a soft “bye” and Ben returned it. “Come to London a few days early please. We miss you when you’re so far.” He pleaded right before he stepped over the threshold.

 

“Fine.”

 

“Good.” Ben smiled. They were okay again. As he turned and walked down the hall. Joe couldn’t help but feel a little emptier.


	2. i wish we didn't have to walk around our problems

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The BAFTAs happen and Joe is grumpy but Ben helps (surprisingly).

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i know that there should be more detail and that some little things are wrong but i couldn't be asked to fit them in and i forgot they existed until i was done. enjoy!! :)

When Joe arrived in London for the BAFTAS, no one was there to pick him up. His flight was delayed and the gates got switched about 5 times, and then they got caught on the runway for 30 extra minutes; a long winded way of saying, what should have been a 7 hour flight took 10. And since it took 10 hours, it was 3 am and no one was up. Gwil was supposed to pick him up and take him home but the older man went to sleep around midnight and Rami was coming the next day so Joe’s last hope was the person he least wanted it to be.

 

 _Poetic, the last person I want to see is the probably going to be the first,_ Joe thought as he switched off airplane mode to call the blond. Joe had been planning on seeing Ben after he had gotten a full night of sleep and had a pep talk from Gwil. Given, the former lovers _had_ been making amends. They joked and messed about like they did with the others and it almost felt normal. But there was always a sense of hesitancy between Ben and Joe; like neither one was sure how far was too far. And as the phone rang, Joe just hoped that Ben wouldn’t pick up, or be drunk off his ass and not be able to complete this task.

 

“Hello?” Came a voice from the other end, heavy with sleep. _God fuck-_

 

“Hey. I finally landed. You don’t have to pick me up but-”

 

“No, no, I’m in the parking lot. Give me a sec to pull up.” Joe wasn’t sure if the sigh he released was one of disappointment or relief. _Wait, he was in the parking lot?_

 

The line went dead and Joe pulled the phone away from his face. _Was he waiting for me? But Gwil was supposed to pick me up? Am I staying with Ben- oh please no._ That was the last thing he wanted to do. They were getting better but being around him either felt like an eternal hell or the best fucking thing on the planet, not in between. His thoughts were interrupted by the flashing of headlights outside and a gentle buzz in his pocket. _Yay!_

 

Joe exited the warmth of the airport and a gust of icy wind chilled him to the bone. It was February and he should know better than wearing joggers and a long sleeve shirt. But it had been a rough day and it was about to get a little rougher. Ben stepped out of the car and opened his trunk. He had a little fluff of hair sticking out from his hood and he looked extremely cozy. Joe wanted to punch him. But, another time.

 

When Joe had trudged his way to the car with his little roller suitcase, Ben picked it up and placed it in. He closed the trunk and gave Joe a smile, one that was far too kind for the hell Joe was about to put him through. Then he went to the driver’s seat while Joe took shotgun.

 

The two were quiet before Joe asked the other a question. “Where am I sleeping?” Ben snorted at his bluntness.

 

“Mine,” The normal confidence his voice had wavered, looking at Joe. “If that’s okay. It’s closer.” He seemed so nervous. His left leg bounced up and down and his thumbs tapped along to the beat of the music playing softly in the car.

 

“Why were you in the parking lot?” Joe asked. He got comfy in the seat, resting his arm on the center console, head finding its way into his hand.

 

“Gwil texted,” He yawned before continuing. How long had he been waiting? “At like 11, saying you hadn’t landed and that he was about to pass out, so he asked if I would wait for you,” Out of the corner of Joe’s eye, he could see him shrug.

 

“So you were just sitting here for the last 4 hours, waiting?”

 

“Yeah, basically,” Ben responded, letting out a soft chuckle. “I mean, I was sleeping for the past 2 and a half hours but essentially, yeah.”

 

The car made its way on the highway in the direction of Ben’s apartment. Joe hadn’t been there since they broke up. As the street lights passed through the windshield, Joe wondered what had changed. When Joe was there, Ben’s guest room was filled with random crap that he had collected over the years. Scripts, pictures from when he was a kid that he hadn’t hung up yet littered the room. During filming, only a few of the pictures made it up on the walls and the pile of scripts just grew.

 

When Joe zoned back in, Ben was turning the car down a London street. When he took a closer look, he found snowflakes fluttering softly to the ground then melting. It gave the darkened city a softer glow; it reminded Joe of New York in December, with little flurries that lasted 3 hours but could turn into full fledged snow storms at the drop of a hat. And maybe it was Joe’s exhaustion, but there was a pull in his gut. A happy one. One that made him want to grab the hand of the man driving the car. But he couldn’t. So he didn’t. But _god,_ he wanted to. Just to see if their hands fit the same way, to see if Ben’s hands were still just as soft as before.

 

“Come on, the sooner you get inside, the sooner you can get to bed,” Ben said as he opened the door, the cold air seeping into the car. His voice was soft and welcoming, warm and Joe really wanted to be _warm._ He just groaned and got out of the car, facing the freezing weather in his thin clothes. He walked to the sidewalk and watched Ben take out his suitcase while clutching his body with a tired scowl.

 

Ben locked eyes with him and let out a breathy laugh. Seeing the other man try to keep warm when he’s tired and _very_ grumpy must have been quite something. “All right, princess, let’s get you inside.” Ben teased. Joe just nodded and yawned, trailing Ben to his door and up the stairs, finally getting some relief from his poor fashion choices. Once in the place, Ben brought Joe’s things to the guest bedroom while giving him the mandatory host spiel.

 

“If you need anything, come and get me but everything here is yours to use freely. Whatever food I have, shower, everything. Gwil said he would come around at lunchtime so sleep in as much as you want,” Joe nodded and yawned again. A smile ghosted across Ben’s features as he turned and left the worn-out man to his own devices.

 

Before Ben left the room however, Joe muttered, “Thank you, Benny,” just as the younger man stepped over the threshold.

 

“Your welcome, Joe.” Was all the response the ginger got before the door latched shut. With a heavy sigh, Joe opened his suitcase and dug around for his sleep shirt in the yellow light. When his hand touched the worn material, he tugged it out and changed. Forgetting all hygiene and cleanliness, Joe dropped his day shirt onto the ground and slipped the soft material over his head and shed his joggers. Finally, after 10 hours of awful travel, he peeled back the sheets to the mattress and switched off the light. Joe settled into the soft bed and took a deep breath.

 

Now, Joe should have expected this but it smelled like Ben. Of course it did, because it was _his apartment._ On any other occasion, it would have made the older man tense, but now? He allowed himself to pretend like they hadn’t broken up. It was a dangerous game to play, but honestly, he didn’t care about the risk. Sometimes it’s easier to pretend.

 

So, he fell asleep to the smell of Ben Hardy and a wonderful night of sleep awaiting him.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

A soft knock woke Joe up, followed by the creak of door hinges and the whine of the floorboards. It was too early to be up and _far_ too early to be moving around. But the soft pat of feet drew close to the now partially awake man, then stopped right in front of him. Then a warm hand was placed on his shoulder.

“Joe, Gwil’s gonna be here in 20 minutes. You have to get up.” Ben’s whisper was soft and gentle, but what they required him to do was pure evil.

 

“No.”

 

“If you don’t get up, I will pour the rest of the coffee down the sink.” Joe could hear the smirk in his voice.

 

“I hate you.” With that said, Joe got out of bed. He flipped the covers off and planted his feet on the cold ground as Ben left the room, not saying another word. _I’m an asshole._ Joe was well aware that he was more than grumpy in the morning but he still felt bad about being mean to Ben. After all, he had waited in the parking lot, taken him home and was now giving him caffeine, so maybe an apology was in order.

 

In an attempt to multi-task, the New Yorker tried to plan out what to say while forcing a pair of jeans up his legs. He had almost fallen over about twice per leg, before succeeding and grabbing the nearest hoodie and slipping out of the bedroom and into the kitchen. Ben was sitting at his counter, scrolling through his phone with a cup of coffee in hand when the disaster that he was housing walked in. He gave a gentle smile and nodded toward the hand-me-down french press on the corner of the counter.

 

Joe had never tasted anything better. It felt like heaven in a cup. He gave Ben the kindest smile he could, deciding that that was enough of an apology for now. Ben returned it, accepting it. A knock on the door interrupted the ethereal moment. Ben stood and went to the door. Joe basked in the quiet of the kitchen, the calm before the storm. The chatter at the door was making its way closer and Joe took a long sip of the hot liquid. It tasted perfect. The ginger scrunched his face up in confusion. _Did Ben remember how he liked his coffee?_

 

His thoughts were cut short when Gwil made eye contact with him. He placed his drink down on the counter and was immediately engulfed in a warm embrace, which he returned. It felt nice, like a kind of shelter, a break, from the chaos. Sharing an apartment with his ex, that he still had _very_ real feelings for, was taking a toll on him, even though Joe had been there for about 9 hours, most of which sleeping.

 

When they broke apart (much to Joe’s dismay), Gwil started talking. “Rami just landed and he said that he would drop his stuff off at Lucy’s, then meet us wherever.” _Rami, please come sooner._

 

“I got up about 20 minutes ago, so if there is any sort of food, that would be much appreciated.” Joe really just wanted to shove food into him so he wouldn’t have to talk to the others. _You’re being selfish again,_ a little voice said, but Joe was hungry and it was a good excuse.

 

“I think there’s some eggs and bread, if you want. I can make them.” Ben offered, opening the fridge, taking a quick scan over, and nodding at Joe, confirming that all the ingredients were there.

 

“Sounds good. And don’t forget -”

 

“Don’t forget the cheese, yes I know.” Ben muttered, waving him off, taking out the proper food stuffs to get started. A blush spread over Joe’s cheeks as he picked up the coffee and followed Gwilym to the kitchen table. The pair sat and listened to each other ramble, Ben adding to the conversation every once in a while. It was nice. They laughed in all the right spots and listened closely enough to ask questions. He told them that he had gotten over the scene that was troubling him during the Golden Globes but he wasn’t exactly sure where to take the plot. They didn’t try to give him a solution, and he wasn’t looking for one. Sometimes just venting was the best cure.

 

Another knock came from the door and Ben’s head shot up in a slight panic, not wanting Joe’s food to burn. So Joe stood and walked to the door; Ben was making his food, it was the least he could do. And when he opened the door to see Rami and Lucy holding hands and smiling, Joe felt a little more whole. He widened the entryway and gave them each a hug, then led them to where the other two were.

 

When he returned to his seat, a plate of food was sitting there, accompanied by a fork. It was just right. Suddenly, Joe was brought back to when they all had a day off filming; a rare occasion, but it happened. Everyone crowded around Ben’s table, eating a breakfast of their choosing, just listening to each other talk about anything. It was when he and Ben were still going strong. They had sat next to one another, almost on top of each other, holding hands. And Joe felt a pang of sadness, sitting in his seat, eating the food Ben had made, just like he did all those months ago. He knew that Ben wouldn’t sit next to him on the bench this time; Gwil was already there. So he would have to sit across from Joe, next to Rami and Lucy, being just as cuddly as they had been.

 

Joe’s feelings were hurt. It was his own fault that they weren’t still like that, but it was for the best. Right? Until recently, Joe had thought that it was. But now, he was regretting it. He was so hurt and Ben was still there for him, could still read him like an open book, could still remember how he liked his coffee and eggs.

 

The ginger was drawn out of his thoughts when the blond sat down across from him, just like he had predicted. Ben shot him a worried look, as if knowing what this situation was doing to him. Or maybe he wanted to know if he got the eggs right. Either way, Joe just gave him the most reassuring look he could find. Today was going to be fun, Joe wasn’t going to ruin it with his feelings. He was going to enjoy the day with his four best friends.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

They had spent the entire day together. Talking, joking, and watching random movies on netflix. It was a good waste of the day. But at around 6, Joe was getting tired. He had been _acting_ all day. It was a subtle mask, sheer enough that no one could tell, but a mask nonetheless. He was still his jokey, funny self, but there was a fakeness beneath it all. He was exhausted. At some point he snuck away into his room, saying he had to check on something. Joe took this breather to lay out the suit he would be wearing to the BAFTAs. He did it as slowly as possible, wanting to take as much socially acceptable time to himself. He wanted to tell Ben every little thing on his mind, from how his apartment back in New York felt colder these last few weeks,to  how there was a little hole inside his chest that couldn’t be filled. But that was too much. Joe knew that he didn’t feel the same way he did before. And to dump all his feelings on him would be inconsiderate.

 

It was around 9 when Gwil, Lucy, and Rami left Ben’s flat, leaving Joe and Ben alone. The other three had said things about getting a good night's sleep and things of that sort, but they weren’t leaving for those reasons alone. Right before Rami left, Joe and him were standing alone in the kitchen, and Rami simply said, “Talk. Communication is key in _any_ relationship. Even friendship,” and then he wished the others a good night and left with Lucy in tow. And Joe saw the look Gwil gave Ben as they said good night.

 

Joe was not looking forward to what they were going to talk about. It didn’t matter really but it was going to suck if it was about feelings. So to avoid this unwanted conversation, Joe tried to retreat to his room but Ben caught him halfway there. A simple “Nope.” and Joe was being dragged back onto the couch. The only difference, Ben was sitting next to him this time, insead on the complete opposite side of the room.

 

“Something’s been wrong the entire day. What is it,” Ben looked him right in the eye, eyes searching for any kind of answer.

 

“Nothing’s wrong, just a little jet lagged,” Joe murmured back, breaking eye contact. Could his lies be any more obvious?

 

“Is it me?” That took Joe by surprise. He was so blunt and straight to the point.

 

“Kinda.”

 

“I knew it. Do you want me to drop you at Gwil’s? You can stay -” He was rambling.

 

“No, don’t, I want to be here.” Ben scrunched his face up in confusion. The sight made the ginger smile. He was always so damn cute. “I want to be here. I would have told you if I felt differently.”

 

The blond huffed. “Then what’s wrong?” Now how was Joe supposed to answer that. _Hey remember when I broke up with you? Yeah, I regret that. A lot._ “Things have been off for a while now, Joe. I miss when we could mess around.” His voice was quiet, but that gave it power.

 

“Me too.” Joe took a deep breath, and stood. He couldn’t do this right now. There was no way in hell he was about to spill everything, 20 feet away from where they had ended things. So he ran away. He went to the guest bedroom, changed, and got into bed. It seemed that sleeping was the best option now a days. So he would sleep until it was time to wake up and face the annoyed man he left sitting on the couch. But things would be fine. Hopefully.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

When the sun came through the curtains the next morning, Joe groaned. They way that he had ended his conversation with Ben was the first thing that came to mind and it made him want to hit himself. Why couldn’t he have just answered like a normal person and carried on? Now things were going to be messy and awkward, just like at the Golden Globes. Joe really didn’t want to start the day because as soon as he made eye contact with Ben, he was almost sure he would either cry, or kiss him. So he stayed in his room, working out the kinks in his script and adding little bits here and there. While he was doing that, he could hear Ben shuffle around his home and could smell the coffee that he had made. When the shower turned on at midday, Joe decided to come out of hiding and eat. He walked toward the kitchen, past Ben’s room. The door was open just a bit, but he could hear a conversation. Ben sounded distressed and nervous, like he didn’t know what to do.

 

Joe didn’t eavesdrop though. He heard a quaint, “what do I-” and kept moving toward the kitchen. Sitting on the counter was a cup, with steam rising from the top. _Can he just be an asshole so I don’t have to feel awful?_ Joe thought, sitting down and sipping the perfectly prepared coffee. Ben really did know him better than anyone and was the most understanding, sweet person and Joe couldn’t help but feel like he was taking advantage. Here Ben was, giving him a place to stay and making him food and perfect cups of coffee consistently, and Joe was avoiding any _real_ conversation.

 

Joe just sat, deep in his own mind, sipping the warm liquid, trying to come up with a way to apologize for being an awful friend for the past 2 months. The opportunity would present itself sooner than planned because when Joe was only half done with his coffee, Ben walked into the kitchen, dressed in his classic joggers and a sweatshirt with the hood up. He moved so quietly, the ginger didn’t register that he was even there until there was a soft humming coming from the other side of the small island. They met eyes and Ben gave him a small, sweet smile, before speaking.

 

“Did you sleep well?” God he really was the sweetest, huh?

 

“Yeah. You?

 

He hesitated for a moment but kept eye contact. “I guess. But I was kept up for a little bit,” He admitted. The other man’s heart dropped. Was it conceited to think that he was trying to figure out why Joe had acted the way he did?

 

“Ben, I’m sorry. I’ve been an asshole for like, the past 2 months and I don’t know why, but it's not fair to you. You’ve been nothing short of the best and I’m being awful.” Joe couldn’t help himself; Ben had to know that Joe was self aware enough to know what he was doing was wrong. But Ben just shook his head and leaned on his hands, which were firmly planted on the counter in front of him.

 

“Joe you don’t have to apologize…”

 

“Yes, I do!” Joe shouted. Deep in his eyes, Joe saw a flicker of fear, worry. “Yes I do have to apologize,” He paused again, tearing his eyes away from Ben’s, looking at his cup. “You remembered how I liked my coffee and eggs, and dealt with me when I had been absolutely spent. Hell, you waited in the car for like 4 hours just to pick me up. And,” Joe met his eyes again, and he couldn’t tell what he was thinking, but he could see the wheels turning in the blond man's head. “I’m sorry. For everything.” Joe finished quietly.

 

The silence between them made Joe want to run again, but he couldn’t; he wouldn’t. He needed to power through this and make things right. At least start to.

 

They held their gaze for a long time before Ben spoke again. “Specify everything.” _Fuck._

 

“This past week. Golden Globes,” Joe hesitated to say it but he had to. “Making it seem like there was no way we could’ve worked.” They hadn’t talked about it, much less apologized, and Joe needed to say something. It was killing him.

 

“Joe, we both knew that it couldn’t have worked,” Ben tried weakly, eyes still locked. Joe shook his head in disagreement.

 

“We could have made it work. I was just scared and pushed that on you.” Joe chuckled coldly, taking a sip of his coffee. Ben came around the counter at that and Joe just looked at him from his stool. He wasn’t sure what was going to happen and he wished he could freeze time and just curl up. Joe just wanted to hide.

 

“Why don’t we just sit for the next few hours and chill. We can watch whatever, but I just ask one thing,” Ben muttered, looking at his feet.  _A distraction. Perfect._

 

“Shoot.” Joe was willing to do anything to get out of this situation, especially if it meant hanging out with Ben; he just wanted to be near him. Joe was done depriving himself of being near the british man.

 

“We have to cuddle.” He said it so softly, Joe almost missed it, but he did hear it, and his heart melted.  _Maybe not the perfect distraction._

 

Joe smiled softly. “Ok.” Ben’s eyes lit up and a smile grew on his face. He looked breathtaking. Joe stood and followed Ben to the couch. Joe laid on his back, stretching the entire span of the couch, while Ben picked up the remote and brought it closer. Joe grabbed the fuzzy blanket that hung over the back and waited for Ben. It was just like before. A lazy Sunday where they could do nothing but enjoy each other.

 

Ben laid on top of Joe, chest to chest, and nestled his face under the gingers chin. Then, Joe spread the blanket out over the pair while Ben flipped on the TV, skimming through the channels. They finally settled on a show and just laid together. Joe was aware of the game they were playing. It was a dangerous one but it would be worth it, he hoped. And maybe this would give him the closure he needs. Or maybe it would make his feelings stronger. But for now, Joe was going to watch TV, with the most beautiful man he had ever met snuggled into him, and that was all that really mattered.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

A blaring timer is what woke Joe up. It was distant, but still loud. Next to his ear, there was a groan and a huff, then the warm body on top of his snuggled deeper into him. _Fuck; why did I agree to this?_ He wanted to both run and hide, but also never leave. _Feelings suck._

 

“We should probably get ready.” Ben mumbled softly, voice still heavy with sleep.

 

“Probably,” Joe replied. He looked at the cable box and read the time; 4:30. They had to leave in an hour and be on the carpet at about 6. “But I think we could swing another half hour.” Ben snorted from his place against Joe and nodded.

 

“Sounds like a good plan, Mazzello.” The british man said, pushing his face between the couch and Joe’s neck. He tucked his head so his nose was just under the gingers ear, and brought his arms up and around his shoulders, smothering him in a warm hug. Joe wrapped his own arms around the man on his chest, effectively cuddling. He closed his eyes again and just relaxed. He focused on the warm puffs of air coming from Ben, and the way the blanket had been kicked down so it covered just their legs. The New York man began to draw on the other man’s back, feeling the inhales and exhales. _Why did I ever give this up?_ Joe mused, smiling at the sight in front of him.

 

He shot another look at the clock, just to see how long he had left. It read, 5:04. Joe’s heart dropped, and he tensed. There was a low mumble and Ben nosed the side of his neck, trying to get comfortable again. His breath hitched and he knew for sure that Ben felt it.

 

“Ben we have 25 minutes to get ready, we have to get moving.” Joe said at normal volume, knowing full well that if he was sweet and gentle, they would never make it on time. Ben shot up, eyes filled with panic, and he scrambled off Joe, almost falling to the floor. The sight made Joe laugh, as he himself got up.

 

“Joe, if we’re late, Gwil is never going to forgive us,” Ben scolded, pushing Joe to his room. “And I will murder you.” He gave a sweet smile before he shut the door after shoving Joe into his room. Joe rolled his eyes at the blond’s theatrics but got dressed as quickly as he could. Gwil really would never forgive him, and there was no doubt in his mind that Ben would tear him apart if he messed this up in any way, shape, or form.

 

There was a knock at his door when he finished tying his bow tie. He walked over, not knowing what Ben might possibly want. He opened the door and there Ben stood, looking sheepish and flushed.

 

“Can you help me?” He squeaked out. Joe nodded and grinned. Ben was wearing an all black suit with a cool shirt the Joe couldn’t quite describe. Gently, he took the fabric from the others hands and went to work. He flipped up the collar, pulled one side longer than the other, and went through the steps. Once it was finished, he made eye contact and stepped back, slipping his hands into his pockets.

 

“You look good.” The ordinary compliment made Ben blush and fidget.

 

“You too.” With that, Ben turned and made his way towards the master bathroom. Joe wasn’t lying, saying that Ben looked good, but he wanted to tell him he looked hot. Handsome. Pretty, if you will. It made him want to bang his head against a wall. Because he couldn’t say those things without his true intentions showing through.

 

With all this going through Joe’s head, he slipped on his dress shoes and made his way to his own bathroom, running a little bit of product through his hair to keep it perfect throughout the night. Startling the older man out of his wishful thinking, the timer on his phone went off, signaling that they had about 2 minutes until the car was going to pick them up.

 

“2 minutes, Benny!” He yelled, grabbing his phone and suit jacket from his room before making his way into the family room, where he had been asleep just before. He heard Ben’s shoes clomp as he came towards him. His blond locks were in a perfect tousle on top of his head and he looked _stunning._ He gave Joe another smile as he collected his keys from the counter and led the way out of the apartment.

 

The car was waiting for them when they came out the front door of the apartment complex, Gwilym in the passenger's seat. On the car ride, they joked and messed with each other like always, ignoring what they had been doing just an hour ago. It felt like crossing out a part of your memory and just letting it sit until there was a rainy day. Joe didn’t have time to dwell on it however, because they were at the foot of the BAFTA red carpet. They thanked the driver, and exited the car, regrouping and getting in line.

 

They didn’t have to wait long, and before they knew it, pictures were being taken and the group of friends was being waved over for an interview. They gave their best answers, took a few more photos, then they were done for the moment.

 

They found their way inside and mingled with the people. It was getting a little repetitive, the whole take pictures, talk, sit, after party, but it was exciting with Gwil, Rami, Lucy, and Ben. So by the time 7:30 rolled around, the air felt electric. Everyone was excited for this, For Gwilym and Ben, this was their dream; to be at the BAFTAs, their movie nominated for best film. They were practically vibrating in their seats. Joe laughed as he watched two of his closest friends ramble on and on about how happy they were to be there, and they only shut up when the lights flickered and the presenter started speaking.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

The award show was over. Rami and their sound crew had won and everyone was beaming. As soon as Joe saw Rami after he won, he sprinted to him, almost taking him down in the biggest hug. Joe knew that Rami was a great actor; he was happy that everyone else had finally realized it too.

 

When they all arrived at the after party, running on adrenaline, there was another red carpet, and _more_ pictures were taken, but this time, he was alone for most of them. It was a little past 11 and all he wanted to do was go back to the couch with Ben. However, Ben was having fun, celebrating their wins and chatting with everyone. Joe also made his rounds, but was getting more and more exhausted as the night went on. The whole day was taking an emotional toll on Joe and he hadn’t realized until now how spent he felt. Usually, he was the one to get shitfaced and wake up with an awful hangover, but he wasn’t feeling it tonight.

 

Joe was stood off to the side, sipping on a beer, half listening to the person talking around him when he met Ben’s eye. He gave him a quick smile, and Ben gave him a questioning look. Joe shook his head slightly, a silent ‘don’t worry about it’ but Ben marched over and Joe excused himself before the younger man dragged him away by the ear.

 

“I’m just tired, Ben. It’s been a long day.” Joe said, making sure he had the first word.

 

“So am I, let’s go home.” _What?_

 

“No, you’re having a good time. If you give me the keys, I can head out and you can stay for as long as you want,” Joe tried to reason. “I don’t need a babysitter.”

 

“Last time you stayed by yourself at my place, you almost burnt it down.” Ben was already walking towards Rami, Lucy, and Gwil, ready to say goodbye for the night.

 

“I won’t be making things. I’ll just watch TV and fall asleep on the couch.” Ben looked at him and rolled his eyes, but kept walking.

 

“The party’s no fun without you, Joe. You know that. No point in staying if you’re not here.” It was hardly a compliment but it made Joe blush.

 

The next moments passed in a blur. Hurried farwells and the promise of breakfast tomorrow at Ben’s again and him and Ben were out of there, heading back to the apartment. The drive back took less time and before Joe could process what was happening, they were back, standing in the family room, Ben undoing his tie and top buttons. Joe slipped his shoes and socks off and padded to his room, shedding his fancy clothes in exchange for an old sleep shirt and loose bottoms. He made his way back out to find Ben already sitting on the couch cross legged in his sleepwear, sipping a bottle of water.

 

Joe joined him, draping his legs over Ben’s lap as he watched what Ben had turned on. The blond passed him the half full water bottle and settled more into the couch. His hood was up again and he looked so cute, completely engrossed in the plot line. He looked like a little kid who was allowed to stay up past their bedtime just to watch a special episode. Joe didn’t know how long he was staring, but Ben had caught on. He gave Joe another curious look, head cocked slightly.

 

Joe shook his head and finished the water bottle in one go, trying to act as normal as possible. Ben let out a little huff and rolled his eyes, attention turning back to the show. Joe closed his eyes and let his tiredness wash over him, with the TV in the background, light flashing different colors as the shots changed. The configuration they were in earlier came to mind, and Joe felt a sudden urge to just tackle the other man and pass out.

 

Instead, he went for the more human approach. Joe opened his eyes and saw Ben hunched over, head in sweatshirt covered hands, 100% focused. He gave him a gentle nudge with his foot, just enough to get his attention. When he finally dragged his eyes off the TV and looked at Joe, the latter reached a hand out, a silent plea that Ben had seen before. His eyes softened as he maneuvered to lay on Joe, head on his chest, face toward the TV, and arms pulled in close. Joe’s arms settled around Ben and his eyes fluttered closed.

 

It had been a long day and breakfast tomorrow would be a production but he was content. The hole he felt when he left to go home after the Golden Globes was temporarily filled. The only thing that clouded the good mood Joe was in was a simple thought; _Was he swinging to far?_ He didn’t dread being around Ben, he was excited, quite the progress in just 2 days but Ben had always worked in a magical way on him. However, the desire to be physically close to him was overwhelming, and Joe knew what that meant all too well. He swore he wouldn’t let it get that far, but the trouble is, it already was.

 

No matter whether he wanted to admit it or not, Joe had never stopped loving Ben.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> cool! im thinking that this is going to end after chapter 3 so... 
> 
> sorry this took so long! school and sleeping got in the way but i hope it was worth the wait!
> 
> see you next time!!


	3. even though that's what i wanna do

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> it's the oscars and they work some stuff out

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> one last one lads
> 
> she's a little shorter than the others but she's trying her best!

By the time the Oscars rolled around, Joe was going through withdrawal. Of course Ben and him texted everyday and facetimed more than Joe would care to admit, it felt like it wasn’t enough. And Joe wanted to kick himself. He knew all too well what the butterflies in his stomach meant and he was scared. Not that he would tell anyone that. Ben and him had decided to keep what happened in his apartment a secret, so it wouldn’t taint or wilt; so it would always be perfect.

 

But Joe was practically vibrating at the thought of seeing Ben later that day. Ben had texted him right before he boarded and gave him last minute updates about departure. He said he would have called him but Gwilym was harassing him about ‘not paying enough attention to him’. It made the ginger smile more than he would ever admit. No matter how happy Joe was to see Ben, he had to play it cool because if he even so much as  _ blushes  _ at something Ben said, Rami would corner him and demand answers which he refused to give himself.

 

They were flying in 3 days early just to hang about and explore the little bits of L.A. that they hadn’t seen before as well as enjoy the last award show that they would have together as one cast. It was bittersweet, having the project come to a close, but all good things have to end. It was great for Joe. Reconnecting with Rami, helping Lucy flirt; it was all around, a great time. Of course there were the lows, but they all helped pick each other up, even if it was just a simple hug or smile.

 

Joe smiled at the memories, before coming out of his daydream and back to editing. Ben and Gwil would be staying in his place, right outside of L.A., for the whole time they were there. Gwil was leaving a little bit earlier than Ben in order to begin pre-press prep for Top End Wedding, but the remaining three were planning on going to their respective places of residence about 2 days after. The two guest rooms were made up and ready to be used. Joe had cleaned them and stripped the beds the day before in an attempt to release any nervous energy that he had.

 

The thought of seeing Ben again was driving him insane. Joe was trying his best to hide it but he wasn’t doing a very good job. He got distracted every few minutes and couldn’t get any work done. It made the whole ‘editing his script’ ordeal very infuriating. He lost track of his ideas and notes before he could write them down because his mind had drifted to something that Ben had said over the phone the day before.

 

Taking a break from working, he looked at the clock. There was a half hour until the plane landed and knowing L.A. traffic, Joe closed his laptop and grabbed his keys. He couldn’t wait to see his best friends again. After all, they hadn’t seen each other in two weeks.

 

Joe got in his car and rolled the windows down a little, turning his music up as he pulled out of his driveway.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Joe reached the airport just in time. The traffic had been worse than expected, but it didn’t dampen his mood. Joe was still a half hour from the airport when he got a call from a very tired Gwilym. 

 

“We landed.” It was more a mumble of sounds that sounded kind of coherent rather than a sentence.

 

“No hello?” Joe teased.

 

“No. I won’t hesitate to punch you if you joke with me right now, Mazzello.”

 

Joe just smirked. “Seems like someone didn’t have a good flight. What kept you up? Your excitement to see me?”

 

“I’m hanging up before I say something I regret. Good bye.”

 

Joe snorted at Gwil’s abrupt end to the conversation. Before another thought could enter his mind, his phone rang again, however, this time it was Ben.

 

“Hey Benny!”

 

“Where are you?” Joe rolled his eyes, a smile creeping onto his face. Today was just a good day, you know?

 

“I’m close. Do you have your bags yet or are you still waiting?”

 

“We just got them and we’re heading outside now.” Joe nodded even though he couldn’t see him.

 

The call ended there and Joe focused back on the road in front of him. He turned into the terminal and saw a tall man with brown hair, above everyone else. Joe pulled the car in front of them and popped open the trunk. He exited his car and saw Gwil thunking the two Brits suitcases into his car.

 

“Hey boys!” Joe said with fake enthusiasm, knowing it would annoy them.

 

Gwil just shot him an exasperated look as he shut the trunk and walked around to the side of the car and sat in the back. Ben and Joe shared a look before making their own way into their seats.

 

It was only noon but as soon as Joe was out of the airport pick up area, Ben had his head against the glass of the window and a quick look in the rearview mirror showed Joe that Gwilym was asleep, leaning on the middle pull out thing. Joe smiled softly at the other two men. They were here, and right now, Joe was more than happy to just be in their presence.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

The sun was making it’s way down when Ben stirred. They were supposed to be home by now but a nasty accident had caused the highway to become more blocked than usual. Gwil was still fast asleep in the back, but a soft groan from the passenger's seat shook Joe from his thoughts.

 

“Shouldn’t we be home?” Ben complained, voice laced with exhaustion.

 

“Yeah, but something happened. Traffic’s a bitch.” Joe spoke quietly, careful not to rouse the man behind him, scared that if he did, he wouldn’t make it to the ceremony.

 

“Oh.” Ben said, shifting his body so it was facing Joe more, left hand draped over the center console, arm brushing Joe’s. The contact made the ginger much more aware of what was happening, a jolt of adrenaline making its way through his blood stream.

 

Joe just gave him a smile, and he got a sleepy grin in return. He returned his eyes to the road, expecting the blond man to fall back asleep within the minute. But when he felt a finger drag up and down his arm, he knew that he was wrong. Ben had a habit of toying with whatever was closest when he was drifting in and out of sleep, and apparently, Joe’s arm was now Ben’s object of manipulation.

 

His finger ghosted along his arm, drawing nonsense patterns. Joe pushed the car forward, trying to not to show what the little touches were doing to him. Eventually, there was a sigh from Ben and he began to hum along with the soft music Joe was playing. It was a shuffle of  _ A Day at the Races _ and the rest of the albums that came before it by Queen, and “Drowse” was quietly surrounding the three men.  _ Fitting. _

 

When Joe turned to look at Ben, he found that he was looking out the windshield, eyes closed as he let the sound wash over him, finger still doodling. Joe turned back to the road and let his head fall against the headrest, letting out a frustrated sigh.  _ We are going to be stuck here forever, _ he thought dejectedly.

 

Ben let out a hum in an effort to try and calm the american man. “Just relax. Enjoy being stuck with me,” Ben joked, opening his eyes and pulling his hood up just enough to be  _ absolutely fucking adorable. _ Joe grinned back and decided that he could do that. He could enjoy traffic as long as Ben was there with him.

 

Half an hour later, Joe and Ben were simply enjoying each others company, slowly inching forward, through the traffic. Ben was almost sleeping again judging by the how drag against Joe’s arm had slowed. Joe had been daydreaming and trying to make mental edits to his script when a movement made his heart rate speed up. Ben’s hand had dragged all the way up to meet Joe’s own. It settled softly in the palm of the ginger’s hand and then he loosely drooped his fingers between Joe’s. Joe flicked his eye’s to the spot where they were touching and his heart stopped. Of course he had thought about holding Ben’s hand again but he never thought that it would happen; some far off fantasy. But here it was, the blond’s soft hand in his.

 

Joe let his fingers curl around Ben’s, a test to see if he would pull away, but he didn’t. He kept his hand there. And for the first time in what felt like forever, Joe was completely and totally relaxed in Ben’s presence. When they had cuddled, there was still some hesitancy but that was all gone now. And Joe smiled, despite the god awful traffic.

 

The two men sitting in the front seat didn’t know, but Gwilym had seen what had happened.  _ Finally, _ he though, rolling his eyes.  _ Maybe now they can stop being so fucking dumb and get back together. _

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Over the past couple of days, the cast of Bohemian Rhapsody were together all the time. Every meal, and every annoyed sigh were shared. Every single one of them didn’t want this amazing journey to end but it was the night of the Oscars. Rami and Lucy were at Rami’s house, getting ready together. Gwilym had convinced Joe and Ben to get ready at a normal time (2 hours before) and it was a little overkill but leisurely. When Joe had finished getting ready, a whole 30 minutes before they had to leave, Ben walked out with his tie and jacket in hand. The two hadn’t talked about the whole hand holding thing yet and it was killing Joe. He wanted -  _ needed _ \- to know if it meant as much to Ben as it did to him.

 

But Ben walked up to Joe and held out his bow-tie. Joe just took it and tied it, trying to be as quick as possible. Joe was walking a thin line and felt like he was about to fall off and do or say something absolutely stupid.

 

“Thanks.” Ben muttered, a pink tint spreading throughout his face, making him look adorable, but then again, Joe always thought that Ben looked amazing. Now was when the other person should step away but neither man made a move to step back; and neither of them wanted to. So they stood closer than friends should.

 

The clomping of Gwil’s shoes is what broke the moment, causing both men to jump apart. Gwil just raised his eyebrows at the Ben and Joe, both of them looking anywhere but him and each other, a blush on both of their faces. He rolled his eyes.  _ Jesus christ. _

 

“Okay we’re all ready and the car is here so…” The tall man trailed off, giving the others an expectant look.

 

“Oh, uh, yeah alright, let’s go.” Ben stuttered out, reaching for his jacket. Joe just nodded and began to follow behind Ben out of his house. Gwil fell in step with Joe and spoke softly so that the blond man in front of them wouldn’t hear.

 

“Joe, I swear to god, if you don’t do something, I am going to kill you.” Then he went and caught up with Ben, slapping him on the back to introduce his presence. Joe mentally froze.  _ Was he being so obvious that his feelings were still there that Gwil had noticed? And if Gwil noticed than Rami  _ _ definitely _ _ noticed - oh god he’s gonna- _

 

“Joe are you going to get in the car or not?” Gwil’s teasing voice cut through his thought process. Silently, Joe clambered into the back seat, next to Ben and Gwil in the front as usual. Ben shot Joe a worried look and Joe tried to give the most convincing smile he could.  _ How in the fuck was he supposed to go the night knowing that everyone knew? _

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Turns out, it was pretty easy. Because  _ no one  _  knew. And if they did, they didn’t vocalize it. Things were going great. Rami had won (and then almost died but we won’t talk about that), and the cast was flying. Everything felt right. Well, almost everything.

 

Joe wouldn’t say that he’s been avoiding Ben, just being a little more distant than normal. He wasn’t clinging to his side or following him around. But he was trying to give Ben a little bit of space. Joe had talked to him practically non-stop for 3 days and he couldn’t help but feel like he was suffocating the blond.

 

During the award show, Joe had gotten more and more tired, being around all those people, looking nice and being on his best behavior was taking it out of him more than normal and his mental exhaustion was taking its toll. While he was having a good time, he just wanted to be at home, in his pajamas, celebrating their wins on his couch with some beer. Joe didn’t want to ruin everyone’s night with his negative attitude so he just joined in on big group conversations where he didn’t have to contribute as much.

 

His plans were ruined about three quarters of the way through the night when Ben pulled him aside. His heart dropped when he saw that it was the blond man that had taken him hostage. Not that he didn’t want to be near him because  _ god he wanted to be _ but he couldn’t lie to him and Ben would just see through him right to his exhaustion.

 

“Wanna go? We haven’t eaten in forever,” Ben offered, already on his way out.

 

“Ben, no. Let’s just stay. It’s still really early in the night and the party is nowhere near over.”

 

“But you are so let’s just go.”

 

“Ben, you don’t have to take care of me.” Joe argued, being a little more aggressive. It had been a long night and the last thing Joe wanted to be was babied.

 

Ben whirled around to face the ginger and looked at him like he had two heads. “I don’t have to take care of you? You don’t seem to be doing so hot on your own so maybe I do!” He grabbed Joe’s hand and the two slipped out of the after party and into a car.

 

Joe just huffed and looked out the window. He could feel Ben roll his eyes at him but he didn’t care. Don’t get him wrong, he had fun, but it was midnight and he had been at the party for four hours and he was over it. He just wanted to be alone but here he was, Ben treating him like a child.

 

The car eventually stopped in front of Joe’s house and Ben practically dragged him out of it and pulled him into the house. Joe pulled off his jacket and tie, heading to the kitchen to find food. He heard footsteps follow him into the kitchen and was ready for an argument. Joe’s emotions were all over the place; he was happy that Rami won, tired because of the party, hungry because  _ what kind of award show doesn’t serve food? _ , and annoyed because Ben knew all of these things from a quick glance.

 

“Joe, what on earth is making you this annoyed?” Ben said, his own voice full of annoyance and exasperation. Ben didn’t need to be here and take care of him  _ so why in the world was he? _

 

“Why are you here? There is no reason for you to be here. I didn’t ask you to take me home.” Joe pushed. A part of him wanted to push Ben past his breaking point, make him yell and make him angry at him. The other parts were working as hard as they could to make sure that didn’t happen.

 

Ben looked like he had gotten a smack across the face. “I’m sorry that I wasn’t about to let my best friend be miserable for the rest of the night when there was something I could do about it. Believe it or not, I actually care about you.” Joe could see that Ben was getting worked up, watching as he took a step closer to where he was leaning against the counter.

 

Joe rolled his eyes. This whole thing was extremely out of character but he couldn’t help himself. “Really now?” He scoffed. He was taking things way too far but oh well.

 

“Yes, Joe. Really.” Ben said, voice firm and eyes locked onto Joe’s own, trying to get his point across. It made Joe snap out of the mood that he was in. Just like that. Standing in his kitchen with Ben Hardy staring him in the eye, five feet away, arms crossed. Joe deflated. He was too tired for this shit and he was being petty.

 

“Ben, what are we doing?” He groaned, dragging his hands up and down his face, not making eye contact. “I go to these things and try my best to act normal and I just can’t. And you just deal with all the shit I throw at you. I just-” Joe cut himself off before he said something else dumb.

 

Ben just looked at him, unmoving, giving Joe a chance to finish. The ginger met his eyes.

 

“Ben, I never stopped loving you. I tried to get over it and nothing worked. I tried to make you hate me but that didn’t work,” He said with a cold chuckle. “I’m sorry if you want to be just friends, but I can’t do that.”

 

The other man just stood there, listening to the other explain why he is acting the way he is. Under the blond man’s gaze, Joe felt incredibly small. Trying to fill the silence, he spoke again.

 

“You can leave now and pretend this whole thing never happened but I had to tell someone and there was no way I was telling Rami or Gwil because they wouldn’t understand.” Joe paused for a moment before adding softly, “And you’re my best friend too, incase that got lost in translation.” Joe refused to look away from Ben’s eyes, trying to convey everything that he hadn’t thought to say.

 

“Joe, I don’t want to be just friends.” The voice was soft, and it killed Joe. Ben had kept eye contact as he said it, dropping his arms and running them through his hair before holding them behind his back. His aggressive body language melted away as he looked down at his shoes.

 

Silence filled the kitchen and Joe didn’t know what to say. All he could think to say was, “Oh.”

 

Even though his face was turned to the floor, Joe saw a smile making its way onto the other man’s face.

 

“Cat got your tongue?” Ben teased, bringing his eyes up to meet the older man’s. Joe smiled and shook his head at the childish phrase.

 

It got quiet again until Joe let out a chuckle.  _ Are we going to kiss and make up or just stand here? _ Ben looked at him like he was insane and it only made Joe laugh harder.  _ What in the fuck were they doing, dancing around each other? _ A smile grew on the brit’s face and an airy laugh came from him and Joe just  _ could not get it together. _

 

“Benny, would you like to be my boyfriend?” Joe asked after he had calmed down from his giggle fit. The other man rolled his eyes fondly and nodded.

 

“What was that? I didn’t quite hear you Mr. Hardy,” Joe teased, cupping a hand around his ear and leaning towards him.

 

“Yes, I’ll be your boyfriend, you old man,” Ben giggled out, taking a few steps towards him. He planted his feet in between Joe’s and placed his hands on the counter on either side of him.

 

“Are you sure you want to do this?” The american whispered, the joking tone gone. The blond nodded, a confirmation that this was  _ really _ what he wanted.

 

“Can I kiss you?” Ben whispered back, eyes flicking down to the others mouth then back to his eyes.

 

“Please.”

 

When their lips met, it felt like everything was right. The whole that Joe hadn’t even realized was there began to fill, and he was truly happy. The kiss itself was soft and familiar. It felt like coming home in a strange way.

 

When it ended, Ben dragged Joe to the couch, taking off his jacket and shoes, loosening his top buttons along the way. It was clear what the younger man wanted and it made Joe feel warm inside. He followed suit, taking off his own jacket and shoes, and lying on the couch. And when Ben lied down, it felt like they never ended, like they had just been away from each other on a business trip.

 

Eventually, they fell asleep like that, still half in their fancy clothes and on the couch. But neither one seemed to care, just happy to be in the others arms.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

When Gwil walked into the dark house, he was ready to fight his friends. But when he saw them cuddling on the couch, his heart melted. Now he wouldn’t have to deal with a heart broken Ben, but in exchange, he would have to listen to him gush about how in love he was. Gwil decided that the latter was much preferred.

 

Before he went to bed, he pulled out his phone and took a picture of the two on the couch. He would send it to them tomorrow. After he complained about them leaving him there alone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for sticking with me! i hope you liked how it ended up and im sorry it took so long. there was school and friends and easter. feel free to give me your opinions and try to keep them nice in language! see you next time!
> 
> p.s. if you have any fic ideas, i'd love some little one shots to write!
> 
> p.p.s the song this is inspired by is 'into you' by julia micheals. give it a listen and you will be able to see where this whole idea came from.

**Author's Note:**

> im back! updates will take a while because they are longer and more content can be put in them and stuff. tell me what you think in the comments and try to be nice!


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